Living With The Disguised
I nearly knocked over the Indian saint statue that I used to worship and pray to for protection that was sitting beside the door of ShanayaZalam’s room as I entered with utmost eagerness to receive a glimpse from my past. I caught it before it dropped; looked at it and said “oh boy if I could change anything I would definitely move you far away from me, as much as the distance between the earth and the sun.” As I put the statue back in its place I looked around my old bedroom but didn’t see ShanayaZalam anywhere. I checked the time and it was nearly 5am on a Saturday morning, so I thought back and tried to remember where I was at the age of sixteen on this day at this particular time. Before I could ponder any further I heard a key enter the door then saw ShanayaZalam enter the bedroom looking very tired with the funky smell of night life on her clothes and in her hair.
I jumped near the closet because I didn’t want to startle her but it was too late, all I heard was a loud scream and her say with a screeching high pitch voice “OH MY GOD, WHO ARE YOU? I PROMISE I WILL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU TRY ANYTHING.” I turned around slowly thinking to myself that the New York Harlem attitude that’s in us both always shows up in times of defense. I said “hold on calm down ShanayaZalam, it’s you again ShanayaNour, Remember?” She put the broom stick down that she planned to bash my head in with and said “ohhhhhh, ShanayaNour yes I do remember, you’re me at age 30, and it’s funny how I only remember you when you decide to pay a visit.” I was about to say something and then she stopped me and said “I know, nothing that has been written can be changed, so my new enlighten self can never influence my current confused self. I remember you don’t have to repeat this to me again.” I smiled and said “Awe, give me a hug for that one.” As I went to hug her I took a good up-close look at her or rather me and noticed how much of a mess we were.
I squeezed her tight and said “oh boy are we quite the mess at the age of sixteen.” She smiled and then began to cry and said “yeah, these wonderful clothes I am wearing and this going out to night clubs is just to cover up and run away from what keeps happening to me.” I looked at her and breathed deeply and said “I know, you went out to a night club with your friend Carmella. You didn’t really want to go but you felt like getting away because the night before while sleeping two spirits or rather jinn held you down. You didn’t understand what they were doing; all you felt was a needle go in and out of your arm as if they were sowing something to your body. When you woke up your arm was in excruciating pain and you couldn’t understand how that could have been just a dream.” ShanayaZalam dropped to the floor and said “Why does God hate us ShanayaNour? I pray to this statue everyday but she never makes these monsters go away.” I sat down on the floor beside her and said “God doesn’t hate you, your just learning from direct experience believe me.”
She held me closer and said “I remember when I used to wake up with whelps on my legs and didn’t remember how it happened. I try so hard to believe that I am not crazy, but it’s hard. Also the constant thoughts and messages that rumble through my head can’t be from me, I would never want to think such things” I rocked her back and forth and said “I know, I know, but there is an explanation for all of this. You will know and write a book about it. Do you remember the title of your future book?” she shook her head and said “yes, nothing is what It appears To Be. Even when you’re gone I remember this title.” I laughed and said “That’s your heart talking to you.”
I got up from the floor and said “Human beings are limited, just because what you’re going through is not out in the open or considered normal doesn’t mean it’s not real or that there is no explanation out there somewhere. Don’t ever doubt yourself on the basis of other people’s limited understanding. If they are not experiencing these things or at least know someone who is, how could you expect them to understand? What people believe doesn’t matter, your life is real whether people have the capacity to understand it or not. You will connect with those who have these experiences, have an open mind and maintain a loving open heart.” I held out my hand to help ShanayaZalam up off the floor and then said “Also those thoughts most of the time come from the whispers of the jinn. They try their best to always keep you confused or thinking low base desire thoughts because they want to keep you thrown off. God only knows why they are able to invade our minds, for some people they don’t give them a chance to even have a moment to themselves. They don’t want to leave room for God’s beautiful creations to realize who they really are and their wonderful high potentials.”
ShanayaZalam got up off the floor with my help, held on to my hand and said “I wish you can stay, you make me feel so much better about this whole ordeal. I have to feel love; it’s the only thing that keeps me going. I date so many men for this very reason.” I smiled and said “Yeah I know we keep up with our boyfriends because when they are around they help us forget about the night terrors and unexplained experiences we go through. I wish this wasn’t so, because all those men we date cause more harm than good, but there is nothing I can say or do now, what’s done is done.” ShanayaZalam gave me a humble smile and said “I could see what you’re saying is true but for now I need them around, you already know how the story unfolds. At least they provide me with temporary peace, unlike that god awful nightclub I went to with all that horrible smoke, nasty dancing and loud obnoxious music and let’s not even talk about the fights that broke out.” I laughed and said “I know we hate night clubs, we just go because Harlem told us that’s the thing to do. Don’t worry you will quit that soon.” She laughed and said “oh well that’s good news, I guess someone up there loves me.” She pointed her finger to the sky. I said “oh yes, someone sure does,” and then left the room.
Immediately when I got back to my apartment in the year 2015, I noticed the calendar on my wall shaking back and forth from the wind that was entering from the window and thought how grateful I am to have made it to this year and able to recognize how blessed I truly am. I walked next to my bed, picked up my Manuscript and said to myself “Shanaya you really wrote it all down for the whole world to see and it is a perfect title because Nothing is What It Appears To Be.”
To Be Continued with most affection……..